I've been feeling for quite some time now - months at least, and maybe a year or more - that I need to be writing more on this blog.  I have a few things that I've felt prompted to write about, mostly religious/gospel-related.  Unfortunately, I haven't been following those promptings - until now.  I'm not going to start with a gospel topic or a current-event related topic like most of those that I've felt urged to write about (Kate Kelly, Ordain Women, gay marriage, etc...), although hopefully I'll get around to those.  I'm going to write about myself.

If memory serves me correctly, I began my career as a software engineer on April 30, 2008.  A few days later, I walked at commencement at Utah State University, graduating with my BS in Computer Science.  I was excited to have gotten a job in my field and at the prospect of making so much money (for me at the time) while still finishing my MS in Computer Science.

Unfortunately, the MS didn't pan out.  In a nutshell, I tried to do it too fast all at the same time that I was getting into working full-time in a professional-level position and we were starting our family with our first son.  I didn't make grades two semesters in a row and was dismissed from the program.

But hey, at least I still had my job!  Yeah...a year later, I didn't anymore.  It seems that I had dug myself a pretty deep hole in terms of trust with both my boss and my co-workers, struggling both while in school and afterwards to remain engaged in my work and get things done both a) promptly and b) in a polished manner.  This was a devastating blow, especially since I was in the midst of trying to improve things at work at the time.

With the help of the Lord and my wonderful and amazing wife, I moved on and was soon blessed with another job, this time with the opportunity to telecommute, something I had learned about in the previous job and had really wanted to try, believing it might help my flagging interest in my work and my poor attitude towards things in the last job (it was an environment that I'm convinced would still not work for me to this day).

I told myself things would be different in this new job, but still found myself struggling with engagement and focus, and not very (or often, at all) interested/excited about the work I was doing.  I continued to try my best, but I think my work suffered somewhat.  Compounding this with the fact that I was in another state from the rest of the team, and had a boss who didn't understand what it was like to have a wife and kids and not want to put in an exhorbitant number hours, and it was a recipe for another firing.

It was at this point in my journey that I first began seriously wondering if I had the right degree and whether programming was really for me.  A person in my ward ran a cabinet door shop, and I had worked there for a short time during my last bout of unemployment, and he was kind enough and I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to work there again at this time.  I did so for two months, only casually perusing job listings and honestly really enjoying the physical nature of the labor and the things I was learning.

Eventually, however, a job opportunity came up, this one in the form of an email to the USU CS Undergrad mailing list, which I had not yet been removed from for some reason.  This job would require me to move my family to a different part of the state - from lovely Garland down to...something...Utah County - but still I felt compelled to submit a resume.  From the time that I applied for the job to the time that I was hired and we moved was somewhere on the order of three weeks.

This new job was with a wonderful company, doing things that were new to me, working with a really great team, getting paid significantly more than I did before, with fantastic benefits and a great number of side benefits (service opportunities, company wellness plan including activities most Fridays during the warm months, free entry to multiple races, etc...).  I was, and am, extremely grateful for this opportunity - especially given the fact of how my last two job experiences had gone and ended.

Sadly, I found myself falling into the same problems in this new job.  I continued to try to combat this and to keep myself from falling into the traps I had before, but it was mostly unsuccessful.  The blessing was at this point that I had learned enough to still be quite productive, or at least productive enough that nobody seemed to take too much note of my struggles to remain engaged.

Not being very happy with the fact that I was having to fight such a battle, I began to ponder about what I might do.  I considered different career paths.  At one point I was convinced I needed to get a PhD and teach.  Eventually, I made a list of things that I thought would comprise my dream job.  I found the exercise enjoyable and interesting, then promptly forgot all about it.

Some time after that, I ran across a job posting in an email from BYU.  It seemed interesting, so I gave it some thought.  I had a hard time getting it out of my head, so I applied for it.  I was given a phone interview, and then an in-person interview.  I wasn't sure I was actually all that qualified for the position, and as it turns out neither were they.  I was offered it anyway.  As I thought about it, I began to realize that this job ticked off most, if not all, of the points on my list for an ideal job.  It was also something of a pay cut, and a very significant one if you factored in the generous bonus I had recently received in my previous job.

After considering it, talking it over with Amber and praying about it I took the job.  And here I am, a little over a year into it, and really struggling.  A lot.  In most of the same ways that I struggled in previous jobs.  At this point, I'm really not sure what to think about the whole thing.  On an intellectual level, I'm fully committed to my team, the work I do, and the larger goals of our team and the organization as a whole.  On a mental/emotional level, I struggle with lack of engagement, boredom, distraction, frustration, and sometimes even downright hostile feelings towards my job.  I spend more time than I wish - quite a bit in the last few weeks - feeling lost, confused, and unsure of what the future holds.  I try very very hard to be excited and engaged in the work that I do, but it rarely lasts very long and is a very fragile thing - even the littlest things can shatter my carefully-built house of work-engagement cards.

At this point, I'm considering a job move, a career move, an entire location move, counseling, career counseling, whatever it might take to solve this problem.  I can't spend an entire lifetime fighting an internal battle just to remain mentally and emotionally present and accounted for and productive while my butt is in my chair here at work.  The nature of the position I'm in, the team I'm on and the project(s) we work on is such that I can't honestly afford to spend another minute fighting said battle, yet here I am.  And so now what?

I'm fully confident that the Lord knows exactly what I need and where I need to be and how to get me there.  I'm certain that He knows exactly the career I'm meant to be in, the job I'm meant to be in, and how to help me be happy and fulfilled there.  He just doesn't seem to be ready to share those things with me yet.  And that's fine.  It really is.  I can wait.

Are we there yet?