An Open Letter to Men's Restroom Users

First, I realize this could have been titled, "An Open Letter to Men", but then it would be ambiguous what it was about, besides the fact that there's really nothing stopping women from using men's restrooms, aside from a sign and social norms.  Also, no this post isn't about running or losing weight.  Don't try and tell me what I can and can't write about on my blog, OK?  I'll cut you.  But enough about that.

I've got a few things I'd like to get off my chest in regards to how men use public restrooms.  If you don't like potty humor, what's wrong with you?  No, seriously if you are easily offended by words like "urinal" or "pee", you're excused.  Any women left?  Fine by me, come on a journey to learn about the worst (and strangest) in men's restroom behavior.

I've a few bones to pick with other men in regards to how we use restrooms.  I'll try to list them in order of importance.  Here we go!

Dear Men Who Use Public Restrooms:

There are restrooms everywhere - gas stations, restaurants, in our places of work - that we share with each other.  Certainly a restroom is meant to be a quiet and peaceful place of solace where we are alone with our thoughts (and sometimes some reading).  Public restrooms, however, are something of an exception to this and as such require us to be considerate of each other.  Please consider these few points of advice in your public restroom patronage:

First and foremost, men - wash your hands, please!  No, let me rephrase that - men, wash your hands or I will cut you.  The kinds of things that may or may not end up on your hands - germs and...other...things... - when using the restroom are not to be shared!  This rule, of course, does not apply if you are using a restroom that has one of those cloth roll towels for drying your hands (they actually have a name, who knew?  Also, I think they're trying a smidge hard to sell us on them, no?).  In that case, you're likely to have cleaner hands if you wash them in the toilet before leaving, no matter what Darman Manufacturing Company tries to tell us.  No, don't actually wash your hands in the toilet (you catch on slow, don't you?) - just do your business, leave, and look for somewhere to get your hands clean ASAP.  In short, flee from cloth roll towels and wash your hands or I will cut you.  And maybe punch you in the neck.

Second and related - if you must use the sit-down toilet to stand and pee, lift the seat first!  Remember what we said about not sharing?  It applies here too.  If the mothers and wives of the world saw some of the things I've seen upon entering a restroom stall, they would cut you.  If you're worried about touching the seat remember you'll be washing your hands afterwards.  If you're extra worried, get a grip - er, I mean, use some toilet paper to shield your hand from the seat.  Above all, teach your sons to lift the seat when going pee - your wives and the rest of us men will thank you.  Thank you.

When you're using the urinal, "keep both hands and arms inside the ride at all times".  Don't one-hand it - it's just creepy.  What else does your other hand have to do during that time?  I won't even get started on the no-hands guys - those dudes are too far out there for me to reach.  You're disposing of your body's waste in a porcelain receptacle.  Please use both hands so as to ensure the tidiest disposal possible.  And you guys who lean a hand or an arm against the wall while using the urinal - really?  If standing to pee is that taxing, why not use the sit-downs?  Besides, if you're leaning with your forearm consider this - how clean do you think that wall actually is, and do you actually want to wash that high up before leaving the restroom?  Because if you don't, remember - I will cut you.

Don't write things on the stall walls.  There are several reasons for this, the first being that it's vandalism and thus against the law.  Even without that, however, the others are quite compelling:

• It makes you look like a moron
• Your grammar and spelling add to your moronic image
• The quality and subject matter of artwork you might add only reinforces your moronicity
• Even if you are a serious artist, is this really the medium you want to use?
• It will likely either be removed by the restroom owners or defaced by some other moron
• Would you like it if I came and started writing and drawing on your bathroom walls?  Yeah.
• I'll cut you.

Enough said.  If you're still compelled to do so, at least put something funny or interesting.  Most of what you're likely thinking of putting up has already been done.  At least a bajillion times.

Finally, don't talk on the phone while sitting on the toilet.  It just weirds the rest of us out, not to mention the person on the other end once they notice how echo-y you're sounding and the strange noises going on in the background.  How do you explain your way out of it?  "Are you in a public restroom?"  "No, I'm...uh...NOT in a restroom!" - I mean, c'mon...  The bathroom is for going potty, not having lively conversations or conducting important business.  Let it go to voicemail, man!  I won't cut you for talking the phone, but the person on the other end might cut you.  So wise up.

In short, my fellow men, let's be good restroom guests.  Let's all be courteous and clean and not do creepy things, and we'll all have a good public restroom experience.  That, or I'll cut you.

Sincerely,
Zann

Thursday's Food:

• Oatmeal with sugar
• Almonds and craisins
• Salad with chicken, almonds, craisins, roasted red pepper dressing
• A mango
• An orange
• A little more oatmeal (the afternoon was really dragging)
• Spaghetti with meat sauce (homemade - my wife rocks)
• Milk
• 1/2 lame Pillsbury breadstick
• 2 of the best breadsticks ever
• Egg whites with salsa
• More milk

Thursday's Exercise:
A good solid hour or more of digging the trampoline hole.  It's really coming along nicely.  I'm really enjoying the increased energy and stamina that's coming with all the running I'm doing.  More on that another time.

Today's Weight:
237.8

I'm OK with my weight see-sawing as long as it seems to be trending down, which it does...so...yay.

PS - Nobody was cut during the writing of this blog post, nor will any cutting actually take place within or without any restrooms.  I'm not actually violent, I just think it's funny to joke about, because I'm sick.